Friday, 1 January 2010

The Most Screwed Up Randomly Stupid Interview - Ever!

So I saw that Blogspot's profile user settings has a random question function on it. You can tell it to generate a new question with each click and this got me thinking. Why don't I let blogspot's own questions interview me and we'll see what we get? Sounds like fun. Here's the results:

Well, maybe they don't need them, but don't you think that some fish might like a bicycle?


Yeah sure, but then some asshat swordfish'll just stick his nose in where it doesn't belong...spokes - No doubt his shark mate will be recording it on his mobile to upload onto youTube. Bah.


The love potion you made tastes terrible. How will you drink it?

Wait a minute, I made it? So why do I need to drink it if I made it? Or is it one of those really screwed up things where it makes me look richer...erm I mean more attractive...?

They get a bit backwards logicky, if’n you ask me.


You've got to make contact with the alien leader. How will you tell when the conversation is finished?

When I'm blasted by a neutralizer ray for insulting his lack of clothes fashion (being that he's wearing no clothes) would be a good indication. Either that or I'd have to learn what the translation for "cya later alligator" is into their language.


What's the earliest you've gotten up to watch cartoons and what did you see?

Heck...would be like 6 a.m. Probably something like Captain Planet. When they put their rings together they...well they have a whole lot of rings you see...or something like that, wasn't it? I wonder what would happen if Dave forgot to bring his ring (there was a Dave wa'n't there?) Would it auto dial their favourite pizza from Dominoes instead...mmmm pizza. Sorry what was the question? *looks up number for pizza - as doesn't have fancy rings or fancy friends who wear aforesaid fancy rings.


You're trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. Describe how you will escape.

Hey, you're a great dungeon master, anyone ever tell you that? Okay I wanna do a perception roll to see if...oh I just have to tell you? Right. I'd have to untwist the slinky in a long metal rope and use it as an improvised grappling hook. Just don't be surprised if by "improvised" you see a goat attached to the other end at the top of the well, holding on with its hooves for dear life!


Chicken monkey shoes?

No, it's just that the carpet is malting.


When your science teacher smashed a frozen rose with a hammer, did you warm the petals to bring them back to life?

I was more interested in the science teacher, who had missed the rose and hit his thumb with the hammer - seeing him warming it to bring it back to life.


Please come up with a more appropriate name for the ringtoe:

Ringtone.

or

Toering.


You can whistle and steam can whistle, so why do you sing in the shower?

Because if I held my lips like a spout my mouth would fill up with water at a great rate. Although I must ask - Why do you have recording devices in my shower?


For your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note:

This is going to confuse her as she didn't, you know...oh hypothetical? Why didn't you say so?

Alright, well I would answer: Hey Aunt thanks for the present. Now I get to wake up in that genuine countryside lifestyle manner, for a cityboy - to the smell of pancakes.

That can't really be a fish you're standing on, can it?

It's a citizen’s arrest. He spoke-poked a bicycle.


How is an ankle unlike a consequence?

Because consequently, if you have a penis enlargement you won't be guaranteed to have a footlong under you, but if you're an ankle...


When you spilled the milk, did it look like the moon?

No, but it looked like an overly strong coffee.


Which is more important to you and why: flexibility or expandability?

Expandability, based on the fact that once you start bending over backwards for someone, they expect you to keep doing it. However, if you expand they can learn to get out of your way and you can become the you you're meant to be.


If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying 'poop deck'?

I'd call it a shite deck. Everyone else is allowed to laugh right?


Oscillate my metallic sonatas with your plan for the Panama canal:

That was a quote from an eighties music video director while on location, yup.


Radio wire is often used to make bird nests. What station do they listen to?

You're so outdated! They have internet these days and it's "twitter" this and "twitter" that.


Sponges and tongues are frequently misspelled. Is it because both are thirsty?

I bet SpongeBob's tongue is mad absorbent. But I digress. To answer the question: Only if dehydration has put your brain on the same level as Andy Alford.


Describe the sound of a moist waffle falling onto a hot griddle.

Fwappshhh

What's the best time you've ever had licking stamps?

That time we did those really fun thematic ones at Christmas. The theme was LSD and how it inspired music in the...wait, what do you mean we didn't have stamps? Turn the cassette off. I said turn if off!


Your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?

QWERTYUIOP

ASDFGHJKL

ZXCVBNM


Foxes are clever and tigers are cunning. So, what's your cat's safety school?

Agoraphobia


What reason do you have to believe the earth is flat?

Oh look, a groovy waterfall!


Your pajamas have duckies on them. Why did you switch from choo-choos?

Because as part of my morning exercise regime, I sometimes quite fancy having hunters shoot at me, as opposed to waking up in the morning to find a confused elderly woman trying to insert a train ticket in my mouth.


The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig:

Once upon a time there was a bald frog. He was self conscious and wore a wig. One day though his wig went bald too - NOWHERE LEFT TO HIDE. THE END.


If you were a cannibal, what would you wear to dinner?

My birthday suit, so that I can eat and lose weight at the same time.

Furthermore, later that evening the first thing I'd do after dumping my girlfriend would be to wipe and flush.

You laughed so hard you can't catch your breath. Stick out your tongue and show us what's funny:

Cardiac arrest.


Do you believe that forks are evolved from spoons?

No, because the evolutionary scale dictates that they all evolve into knives. That's why it's called CUTlery, dummy.


What did you dream when you ate a spider while sleeping?

I dreamed that reality had warped in this blatant myth, as spiders won't go near a source of carbon dioxide outflow.


You've been invited to a fancy ball but the only thing you have to wear is an orange wooly jumper. What shoes do you wear?

I'd put on an orange cap and wear green shoes. I'd then say I've come as a carrot.


If you were a wrestler, what would be your finishing move?

Stepping through the ropes into the ring. My back’d be done in.


Whoops! Your tongue is now a magnet. Whatever will you use for silverware?

Who needs utensils now? Eat food high in iron and it'll come TO YOUR OPEN MOUTH.


The wicked backspin caught you off guard. How will you play it off without losing your footing?

Slip a disc via the other side to even things out.


You've been entered in a shadow puppet contest. What's your best pose?

Two hands fidgeting nervously.

Try writing your name with your other hand. Where was that person raised?

To the left of me.


When you've got water stuck in your ear, how do you get it out?

My body is in harmony good sir. When my eardrum turns wrinkly it'll soon beat it out.


Which is easier to make a model airplane out of and why: a banana peel or a wet sock?

The Banana peel: Being that you can leave it on the floor and someone will really fly!